Embracing Motherhood

Dinah: God never spoke to me as He did to you and Jacob.

Joseph: God’s will isn’t done in words, Dinah. It’s in what we become. Of course He spoke to you. He made you a mother.

(From the TV Series Red Tent. Dir. Roger Young. 2014)

I am not endorsing the TV Series Red Tent, but this snippet of conversation reverberates something deep within.

I have this classic scene in mind (inspired by movies of course): there is an instant sacred connection between a mother and her newborn right after delivery, compounded with affections overflowing on the mother’s side. It is simply a perfect, divine motherly experience. Instead, one day after the birthday of my firstborn, I found myself being coached by my husband and a nurse to relax holding my baby. I guess I looked a bit too tense and awkward.

I believed something was wrong with my wiring. I felt this motherhood thing was hurled at me and I wasn’t ready to catch it. I didn’t have the instinct, and I felt out of place. I floundered through my way in the first few years and I didn’t feel this was supposed to be my world.

Since childhood, I had been prepared to stand in the man’s world. Tucked in a little fold of my heart is a faint but persistent lie that somehow God had made a mistake. I was not supposed to be a woman, let alone a mother. I was swamped and unprepared. Yet somehow by God’s grace, I chose to dive into it and learned everything from scratch.

Motherhood connection and wiring wasn’t instantaneous for me. It is a journey of discovering myself as a woman and a journey of sanctification that resulted in the peaceful presence of joy in my life.

This blog post is a reminiscent note, it summarizes what had transpired in my heart and in my home for the past decade or so. May these hard-earned lessons serve as a personal memorial of God’s faithful work in navigating the events of my life for the purpose of my sanctification.

 

The Frustrations of the Early Years….

A cloud of regret had hung over me for many years; I regretted that frustrations and anxiety had filled so much of my thoughts and days in those early years of motherhood. I wished I hadn’t been so high-strung and a perfectionist so I could have enjoyed motherhood from the get-go.

These are a list of the little (in retrospect) things that had frustrated and consumed me in the past:

1. I have a problem with noises (and sounds in general)

High screeching noises are nerve-wracking to most people and especially to me. I don’t shout during roller coaster rides. I can’t listen to music while I study and think. Quietness re-energizes and noises drain me. Unfortunately, with babies and young ones, we can’t simply put in our schedule ‘noise time at 3-5 pm’, for the noise can come anytime for however long and for whatever cause. Because of the nature of the distractions, I developed staccato thinking patterns, short bursts of disrupted thoughts. My mind habits were much disturbed. I was frustrated with the inability to focus and no space for contemplative thoughts.

2. I have a problem with mess and chaos

The non-ending mess and chaos seemed like a losing battle. My expectation to keep everything under control and in order was put to the test daily.

3. The routine day-to-day cycle

At home, there was no sense of progression; everything is cyclic, the routine needed to repeat, again and again daily. It caused boredom, the feeling of stuck in a rut. Well, to be fair, there were progress and changes, but in early years they might have felt slow.

4. How simple things take a longer time

Children take a much longer time doing simple things that adults take for granted. For example, it might take us three minutes to drink a glass of milk but more than an hour for a headstrong toddler. Gone are the days of efficient execution, which I considered one of my strong virtues.

In my lowest moments, I mourned my post-college life in self-pity while reciting the mantra to my kids at home too many a time: drink more, eat faster, drink faster….. and imagining my husband was enthusiastically engaged in stimulating discussions and intellectual banters somewhere out there.

There was one incident when my husband made an offhand comment on how I looked discontented and why I had begrudged him his freedom from household responsibilities. I sniped back, “What else do you expect from me? I already accepted my lot in life.” He cleverly retorted, “Exactly! So far you have only accepted your calling, you haven’t embraced it.” His words silenced me.

I wish my motherhood journey had been rosy and beautiful from the start, but it was not. I am an imperfect person with many messes and ugliness, motherhood merely pronounces and spotlights them. Through and because of motherhood, I was beginning to see my real state.

This journey towards wholesomeness requires taking out the buried dirt, mess and ugliness within and refilling it with life-giving truth and love through the transformative power of the Word and the Spirit. I needed to submit to His process. And motherhood is the rigorous and persistent process He chose for me.

 

 

What I Have Learned…. 

Looking back after about ten years, I see God’s active and intentional work in me. Some are still work-in-progress.

Now I can see better His plans and purposes for me, how He has parented me to be more Christ-like as I learn to parent my daughters.

Some major things I have learned:

1. Life cannot be curated. People are messy beings, to love a person is a messy business. To love deep is to go down in the messy and muddy trenches. God masterfully uses my children to attack my core flaws directly: pride, perfectionism and controlling urges. It was hard to love truly with those flaws in existence and there was so much turbulence in the result.

I learned many parenting philosophies, tips and techniques, but I can only engineer my children and their environments to a limited extent. The only relief and assurance I could find are in Him and His sole power to change hearts, not in myself and my wits. My capacity to withstand chaos, mess and unknown is expanded. God’s sovereignty and sustaining grace used to be vague concepts for me, but they have become more real, true and tested ever since I became a mother. 

2. Kids have a way to unearth our guts and potential, the best and the worst. My Bipolar behaviour is shown most clearly towards my kids. I can witness my raw emotions reflected in my interactions with them. I never realized my capacity to love until I met my kids, but they also unearthed the massive ugliness within me. The self-serving beast that I have to face off and fight daily. The monster that can roar in anger and rudeness if poked just enough. It is easy to appear polished and under control with strangers, but as I have come to realize the existence of this beast in me (thanks to the kids), I need God’s strength and help to minimize its strength and presence.

This is a good verse to remind us to handle our kids with vigilant love:

Matthew 18:10: See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.

3. I slowly come to appreciate the big value in the smallest routines. I don’t correlate big values to big financial or social impact anymore. In God’s economy, there is no small and big. Each soul matters, each soul is worth an eternity. I remember the starfish parable. The two little starfishes that God has entrusted to me is my responsibility. I need to be faithful to them. I started to value things from God’s perspective; He can see infinite value in one person (Luke 15:10).

Each little thing we do if we do it as an offering for Him matters. The unexpected thing that happens is I experience little miracles and joys daily. The joys that are wrapped in the mundane. The ‘old me’ would surely overlook them.

“Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” Mother Teresa

Zechariah 4:10: Let us not despise the day of small things (beginnings).

4. As far as I can remember, schools trained me to stand in the man’s world. Growing up, I was also naturally more drawn to the archetypal men’s sphere particularly to the area of mapping ideas, logical connections of concepts and minimized sentiments. After my daughters arrived, I have no choice but to find my way back into my untrained feminine qualities, such as nurturing, gentleness, beauty, service and affections. The Holy Spirit has changed my heart, He gives me the desire and pleasure to manifest these qualities with my presence and contributions.

5. Even though I felt deprived of intellectual nourishment, God knew that was not what I needed in this season. He knows I need to practice and strengthen my heart’s muscle, to love until the heart aches and to learn the meaning of sacrificial love. Not the grandiose type of sacrifice, but the long-term steady drip by drip life-giving type. To love sacrificially is a matter of will. We might not be in the mood, but we decide what is the loving thing required for that moment of need and pull ourselves to do it. Countless times I have failed, but in His graciousness, my kids still and will provide numerous opportunities for me to try again. So daily I can practice through every little thing.

2 Thessalonians 3:5: May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.

6. Naturally and especially as a stay-at-home mother, I had tied in my sense of identity and accomplishment with my children’s. Propagating my high aspirations in them has been my obsession. Holy Spirit has impressed upon me that something is not quite right, this drive is a mixed bag. It is another form of pride and selfishness mixed with love and intention for their best. I need to release my hold on them; they belong to the Lord as I do. My identity and worth is secured in Him, not in my work and not in my children, and their identity and worth also should be secured in Him, not in their worldly accomplishments. To be honest, this urge is something that I still have to continually fight especially when I start to feel fearful for the future.

These lessons of motherhood have humbled and grounded me; old ways of thinking and habits needed to be replaced and let go. This is where my sanctification process takes place, at my own humble home.

 

Fast Forward Ten Years Later…..

Fast forward ten years later, my daughters are already independent little beings, can clean up most of their own mess, can read books and play board games quietly for many hours when Mommy needs some quiet time at home, give me endless joy and laughter in their growth, budding maturity and child-like sweetness (the kind of sweetness that only children possess). They are still doing things a tad too slow than I hope, but things have improved significantly.

In regards to child rearing, there seems to be a time-warped where the days are long, but the years are short. Looking back after all these years, I am amazed to see how fast the kids have grown and how much they have accomplished. The small incremental day-to-day progress has added up to so much.

I sometimes regret that I didn’t have this wisdom earlier thus I could be more relaxed and enjoyed the gift of motherhood from God sooner. Yet by faith, I submit to His sanctification process. I repented and I try to redeem my mistakes by making the most of my parenting time left.

Recently I acquainted with a new neighbour; she is a working mother. She asked what my occupation was. I told her I am a stay-at-home mom. We chatted for some time and then unexpectedly she said, “I can tell that you really enjoy what you are doing. I can see it on your face.” It took me by surprise, I sensed she was being sincere. This is the first time someone ever said that to me because unfortunately many of my conversations with my girlfriends were still sprinkled with lamentations of motherhood either jokingly or in serious notes.

After the shock passed, I felt I should take it as an affirmation from God that I have been on the right track these past ten years. God was saying to me, “it is all right, it is ok and you are doing ok.”

I also want to pass it along to you that in whichever stage of motherhood you are now, “It is all right. He will make it all right even though you lack some qualities. Continue to follow His lead faithfully, albeit not perfectly.”

I learn that there are many types of a-good-mother. I may not be the natural motherly type, but God formulates the best-customized growth plan for me. First, I was committed to motherhood, trudging my way through it, and then by God’s grace, I have embraced it.

James 1:2-4: Consider it pure joy, my sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

2 Peter 1:5-7: For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, LOVE.

*There is another related post Is Being a Good Mom a Bad Thing?