The Start of the Motherhood Journey
In business school, they categorize students into two types of personality. Type A is the driven, ambitious and goal-oriented kind; type B is more relaxed and can go with the flow. I am more of type A.
So when my husband and I decided that I should stay-at-home right after I gave birth to my first daughter (we have two daughters now), I was disoriented in the beginning and confused with my life goals. But then I slowly shifted my focus to my kids seeing them as “my lifetime projects.” I transferred all my energy, drive, ambitions and goals from personal to them. I could be quite extreme in my efforts because I also have perfectionist tendencies.
I read and studied the best parenting practices from biblical and secular sources. I learned from numerous parenting authority figures and seminars. I tried to provide my children with the best life experiences and the most excellent educational programs I could afford. I didn’t realize it at that time but I was eagerly stepping into the path of idolatry. I thought I was being a good mother; I was simply giving my best.
The Idolatry Path
But the symptoms of idolatry were evident in my household. I viewed my children as an empty box to be filled in with many good things, instead of seeing them as a built-in image of God that has a natural bent and unique purpose. I didn’t bother consulting with God if every activity they had enrolled was in accordance with His plan. I was easily annoyed and disappointed if they missed the mark, not only by the academic standard but also in spiritual and character qualities. I also felt bad every time I had failed to show myself as a good role model. The predominant atmosphere at home is performance-based instead of grace. The typical word of the day is to strive and to stress, not to surrender and to submit under His sovereignty. Poor children…
My husband was oblivious to all of these. He just supported me with everything I had decided and whatever I wanted to do. He trusted me and my intentions. That is the tricky part with this kind of idolatry, from outside it might seem like a motherly commitment and a strong devotion or even love, but… underneath God can clearly see what it actually is.
Another symptom was the obsession in providing the best life experiences for them, which usually requires a lot of time and financial resources. And when I couldn’t, because of financial limitations, I felt limited and in despair. Then I felt sorry for my kids because I couldn’t provide them with things I felt will be good and excellent. My husband challenged me in this area. He said, “Just because the money is saved in the bank under our name. It doesn’t justify and give us the freedom to spend however much we please for our own kids. Will you feel comfortable when you meet God later and explain the amount of resources you’ve spent on the girls? You know in God’s eyes our kids are not more valuable than other kids (he meant other kids who are poor and less fortunate).” Honestly, I was annoyed by what my husband said, how could he ever say that about his own daughters.
The Truth Underneath
But later on, I’m beginning to see the wisdom of not focusing on providing facilities and luxuries for my own girls without any regard for other people. God can see the discrepancy clearly from above and He would know what I have done for the needy around me vs. what I have spent for the girls.
A couple years back, I started to feel something was not right but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. The Holy Spirit in His wisdom gently showed me that my views, my goals and my behaviors related to my children were not pleasing to God. They are driven by motivations and desires that are idolatrous in nature.
The purpose of all my efforts was not to glorify God, it was not even to glorify my own children, but apparently, the underlying drive was to glorify MYSELF. Because I saw my children as an extension of me. Not only that, I disregarded His sovereignty for everything that had happened and will happen in the future. I didn’t really trust His best plans for my kids within the financial limit He has set for us. I’ve made lots of sacrifices in the altar of ‘success’, worldly success that is, and at the same time preaching that success for my girls is a good character and solid relationship with the Lord. I guess I haven’t truly believed it in my own heart.
Continuous Conflict
Dear Ladies, I have realized all of these idolatrous dispositions in my mind, but I haven’t completely overcome them in my heart. There are still compulsive urges, desires and worries that would come and cloud my judgments and decisions from time to time.
Right now what I can do is: humbly sanctify my plans and my desires to God, pray to Him before making big and small decisions, try to listen from the Holy Spirit and discern if there are any offending thoughts and motivations. I also pray to ask help from the Holy Spirit to soften my heart and grow my love to Jesus more and more, so that everything else with all its glitters fade away compared to Him.
2 Corinthians 5:15: And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
An article related to this topic is: Is Being a Good Mom = a Bad Thing?
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