Proverbs 14:1: The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
My Little Rebellious Seed
I joked with my husband the other day. I said to him if I grew up in the U.S. around this time, I might be one of the kids who are seriously confused and contemplating gender conversion therapies. The idea of gender fluidity is becoming more common now in people’s conversations and not so outrageously preposterous as only one generation before.
When I was around eight or nine years old, somehow, my simple child self could already sense that being a male brought more advantages to life than being a female. So I tried to dress and behave imitating my Dad, hoping that somehow those outer acts could slowly transform me from the inside out into becoming a male.
I also did some research, as much research as an eight-year-old could do, about gender conversion, specifically on how to change from a girl to a boy. I asked my Mom if I could have such an operation to change my sex.
I remember my Mom nonchalantly and ignorantly replied, “My Dear, I think it’s close to impossible to follow up with your plan. I can imagine if it’s the other way around. But a change from female to male is rather difficult, and I simply can’t see how the doctors could do the attachment procedure in the private organ area.”
Long story short, my mother’s simple answer put the matter to rest, at least temporarily. In middle school, still trying to avoid a life being subject to a man and potential abuses, I made a vow to become a nun, even though I was not a Catholic. But later in high school, I changed my mind about the possibility of a matrimony life because the desire to have children started to grow within me.
It is such a silly story, but my eight-year-old self was dead serious at that time. The drive to deny my own gender came from a sinful, rebellious seed in me added with the fallen states of men’s leadership in the world that an eight-year-old child could possibly perceive.
These two factors make it very difficult for most of us ladies to submit and place our well-being in the hands of someone else. We already have difficulties entrusting our lives to the good and perfect God, let alone mere mortals.
God allowed me to wrestle with my gender identity for many years. In the early years of my marriage, my husband said it’s so hard to have “two men” in the marriage. When my two daughters were born, I felt a tiny bit sorry for them for the life that awaits them.
God continues patiently processing me, stirring me in the right directions. Only in recent years, I have finally embraced my gender and what it entails. Being a woman is God-assigned gender for me, and for that, I am truly grateful.
The Bases for Mutual Submission
Note: Due to space limitations, I could not write down all the Bible verses. I encourage you to read the verses referenced here for further edification, especially Ephesians 5.
A wise woman builds her house, while a foolish woman actively tears her own house down. We build our house by understanding and faithfully performing our roles in the family. We destroy our house by overstepping our boundaries and failing our duties.
Most women have two roles in their house, which are: a wife and a mother. I find that being a great parent flow out of being a great spouse. If you have a great marriage, there’s a big likelihood your parenting journey will also be relatively smooth. To have a great marriage is to have the biblical relationship dynamics between husband and wife.
There are two views when we discuss the husband-and-wife relationship: complementarian view and egalitarian view. Both views believe that males and females have equal values and worth. Yet, the complementarian view believes there are specific gender roles that complement each other, and there is a clear hierarchy in the marriage that puts husbands as the leaders and wives as the followers. While the egalitarian view believes there is no hierarchy, we all have equal authority, opportunities, roles, and responsibilities.
Theology experts from each side have done in-depth studies on the subject. Each side has their own Bible verses and expositions to back up their conclusions. Unfortunately, both sides are in an impasse and cannot reach a consensus.
We might never know the complete, true answer until we meet Jesus face to face. Yet we need not worry as our salvation in Jesus does not depend on whether we hold the complementarian or egalitarian view. Many marriages from both views are completely happy and fulfilled.
I have tried to learn and understand both views, and I can see the merits of each view. In this article, I am not trying to explain which view I subscribe to. I also don’t intend to create my own spiritual sensibilities, but I have come to this conclusion: to be submissive is not only a Christian-wife thing, but it is a Christian thing.
Biblical Submission for Both Husband and Wife
The original Greek word for ‘submit’ is Hupotasso which means a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility and carrying a burden.
I believe both husbands and wives should be submissive in the way they relate to one another. There should be mutual submission between husband and wife in a marriage, which means we submit to one another, even though the husband is still the leader and the wife is still the follower. The ways a husband submits to his wife as the leader and the ways a wife submits to her husband as the follower are slightly different.
To follow Christ’s example means to be submissive in nature, not only when we are the follower but also when we are the leader or the head. There is still a leader-and-follower relationship dynamic in a marriage, but it is carried out in the spirit of mutual submission.
The instructions for wives to submit to their husbands in Ephesians 5:22 and for husbands to love and lead their wives in Ephesians 5:25 were given in the context of mutual submission in Ephesians 5:21.
The overarching context of this whole set of instructions is found in Ephesians 5:1. It is the admonition to follow Christ’s example and walk in the way of love. The instruction for mutual submission in Ephesians 5:22 is in line with imitating Christ and following His example. We are to lead like Christ and follow like Christ in love and humility (Philippians 2:1-11).
I was heavily influenced by feminist ideas when I was growing up. Then after I became a Christian, I learned about the concept of submission to husband. Over time, I realize what makes my marriage work well and thriving for 18 years is because my husband also behaves submissively towards me. He is accommodating, tries to make things work and easy for me, assumes responsibilities for the children and me, even though he’s clearly the leader of the family and I function as his helper.
Mutual submission out of reverence for Christ is the essence of every Christian relationship. Either we are in the position of the leader or the follower, we can always have the attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility and carrying burdens in our relationships.
Leadership Pattern Still Exists
The mutual submission principle does not eliminate the patterns of leadership. That is how God regulates orders in relationships. God the Father and God the Son are equal, yet Jesus chooses to obey and follow God the Father (Hebrews 5:7). Either in heaven or on earth, God works through leadership patterns (1 Corinthians 11:3).
So there are still chains of commands; there are still leaders and followers. God still establishes authorities that are supposed to represent Him and His values, like governments to citizens, parents to children, superiors to their workers, elders to church congregations (Colossians 3:18-23, 1 Peter 5:5, Titus 3:1).
The mutual submission principle does not only apply to marriage and family relationships but also applies in the church and the workplace. The difference is marriage relationship is the closest and most binding human relationship. Marriage is a covenant for life, so other relationships do not carry the same levels of expectations and commitment for submission.
We are asked to yield, give in, cooperate, assume responsibilities and burdens with the people in our lives unless they blatantly disobey God or overstep their God-given boundaries.
Peter asked the early believers to be submissive in all their social relationships so they can testify to the gospel in the eyes of the unbelieving world and won people over for Christ (1 Peter 2:11-3:7). Peter wants the believers to live a holy, righteous life by being submissive within their social contexts. It is because when they submit, they shine Christ to the world.
Women and men have equal values in the sight of God (Galatians 3:28), but there are Bible verses that literally establish husbands as the head over their wives as Christ is the head over the church. Being the head like Christ does not mean to lord it over, dominate or abuse their subjects tyrannically like the typical worldly models (Mark 10:42-45, 1 Peter 5:2-3).
I used to view leaderships and authorities with suspicious minds and see women mostly as victims in patriarchal marriages. Part of the reason is that men haven’t been the leaders God wants them to be. But if I try to read God’s instructions for husband and wife objectively, I have to acknowledge that the husband’s job description is actually much harder.
Laying down your lives for others is the greatest form of submission, and that is what God asks of husbands (Ephesians 5:25). I think husbands no doubt have greater responsibilities and burdens in the biblical marriage relationship. The instructions given to husbands are also longer in Ephesians 5 (10 verses) versus the instructions given to wives (3 verses).
Being the head with the spirit of mutual submission like Christ is a leader who is the sacrificial servant, the life-giver and the inspiring enabler, who doesn’t impose, oppress and weigh down as Christ has modeled.
I am happy to say I have had the privilege to know many wonderful men up to the tasks, and they imitate Christ brilliantly in their husband role. We can help our husbands by giving them space and grace as they grow into Christ-likeness, which often involves denying oneself.
The Beauty of Biblical Submission
Biblical submission is a voluntary act, not based on subjugation, force or fear. It is established out of the death of our pride and the desire to love. Christian conducts are strongly tied to submission.
When we submit because we are conscious of God, we are indeed God’s children and part of His household. Our submission then will carry God’s power to achieve God’s purposes. Submissive behaviors are holy, honoring and powerful to change people’s hearts. In God’s eyes, submission is not weak but strong because we are putting all our hope in God’s hand. Thus our hope is an active hope and not passive nor naive.
This biblical submission also goes deeper than simply people-pleasing, fear of people or ‘passive-aggressive’ type of obedience. We might come across as obedient through our actions and words, but honor and respect come from the heart. Not submissive is wickedness in God’s eyes because it represents distrust, discontentment, disloyalty, pride, self-effort and self-idolatry above all else.
I used to view submission simplistically. I obeyed and followed my husband with my words and actions because I just didn’t have the energy to resist and argue with him. I actually didn’t fully support and respect him wholeheartedly. I would jump at any opportunity to show him that I was right all along. There was no love in my submission, only fear and people-pleasing.
True submissive behavior represents a trusting, gentle and quiet spirit in front of God, not filled with aggressions, arguments and anger either inwardly or outwardly. Biblical submission comes out of the heart attitudes rooted in God’s truth, love and grace.
Submission is a Christian characteristic.
We don’t need to fight for our interests or ideas and succumb to use manipulative methods or worldly ways (Romans 8:7). We trust that it is ultimately God, not people, who will take care of us and our rights.
Biblical Perspectives Always Lead to Submission
A few acts in life can touch and change people’s hearts as powerful as submissive attitudes can do. My husband and I sometimes reach dead ends in our conflicts, and we have no idea how to move forward towards resolutions. Things start to look hopeful again if at least one of us decides to lay down our weapons of arguments, set aside our pride, yield in and cooperate.
The commitment to submit will fill our hearts with goodwill towards God and others. This goodwill will fuel us to work at our differences until we reach unity again.
Many issues in marriage stem from wrong perspectives in life. Inaccurate perspectives will breed false expectations, which are the seeds of conflicts. A changed perspective is usually one huge leap towards emotional and spiritual healing.
In my pride and selfishness, I believed I knew what’s good for my family and me. I wanted to set my own goals and plan for things to be done in specific ways. I believed in God, but my God was the God that was hovering in the background and gave me some general instructions to follow, not the God that was guiding my every little step actively and really knew what’s best for my family more than I ever could (Proverbs 20:24).
My wrong perspectives about God and what a successful life meant became the source of conflict between my husband and me, especially when it came down to financial decisions for our family. This happened for years, and it was one of the big conflict themes in our marriage.
Only until I yielded to God’s authority over my life, I could be ready to accept whatever fate comes my way, and I decided to let go of any sense of entitlements. I deserve to receive only what God thinks I deserve to receive, and I am fine with that. Once I assume this submissive attitude towards God, I am ready to be wholly submissive to my husband with a light heart and without fear, and our marital conflicts naturally dissipate.
When we adopt submissive attitudes from the heart, our perspectives will also change. The way we accept God’s sovereignty over our lives, the way we hold on to God and His promises, the way we view other people and ourselves, the way we set life expectations and goals, and the way we love will all be transformed.
Our circumstances might not change, but inner joy and peace can’t escape us now (Isaiah 32:17). Our heart is overflowed with inexpressible delights because our spiritual eyes are now open, and God’s favor is upon us.
Submission embodies all the beautiful qualities in God’s sight, like gentleness, humility, unselfishness, freedom from fears and worries, faith in God and His purposes, strength in God, absolute loyalty to God and His ways.
Submission in the Fallen Reality
I want to clarify our expectations that we will never have the perfect benevolent leadership in this fallen and imperfect world. People and authorities will commit sins against us either intentionally or unintentionally. Even we mothers who love our kids more than dear life itself can still sometimes abuse our authority over our children for our selfishness.
However, submission does not mean subjugating ourselves to a pattern of abuse that is harmful and dangerous. We are always ready to extend forgiveness, but we won’t participate in or enable sinful acts, especially if those acts endanger people’s lives. We do not tolerate sins or values against the Lord’s commands because our ultimate submission is to the Lord.
After the Fall, the curse cast upon women means there will always be an ongoing struggle between the wife and the husband for leadership (Genesis 3:16). The marriage pattern has been deeply distorted because of sins. Wives want to rebel and defend themselves, and husbands want to dominate instead of caring, guiding and guarding.
When you submit to people, you invite some level of vulnerability and surrender some measure of control. In this fallen and fractured world, other people’s “brokenness” will surely come, invade and affect our lives.
As we surrender our life to Jesus, we trust that He is the one who will take care of us. We keep remaining in His love and forgiving other people’s trespasses against us. This is how we can maintain our submission with a gracious and peaceful heart.
The people in our lives are not all-knowing and all-loving like God, and sometimes it can be a real challenge to follow them. Yet God appoints our husband in the leadership posts despite his capabilities and characters.
Our authorities deserve respect and honor despite their performances because God himself establishes the leadership offices they hold (Romans 13:1-7).
Our submission is not to the people but to the God-appointed offices regardless of the qualifications and performance of the people holding the offices. Just like we always honor the presidential office, regardless of who the president is.
Only when people ask us to do things or enable things that violate God’s values and commandments, then we have to resist. Otherwise, we follow and accommodate as best as possible because we acknowledge our acts of submission always directed to God.
Following God’s Blueprint
God never forces us to submit. He wants us to do it out of love and reverence for Him. True love manifests in willing obedience without conditions (John 14:15). God really values our love and submission.
Our submission embodies many beautiful qualities in God’s sight and is powerful to achieve His purposes. God will bring about His salvation plan, His redeeming plan, His restoring plan and His glory through our submissive attitudes. Biblical submission is His blueprint for heart transformations.
In our roles, either as a wife following our husbands or as a mother leading our children, our submissive natures are building up our household. A foolish woman will want to harbor and nurture her rebellious nature, which usually leads to the incremental deaths of her relationships and eventually the collapse of her household. Let us be wise and follow God’s blueprint for our household.
James 3:17: But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
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